I am trans. I definitely do not identify as the gender I was assigned at birth. Yet I do not make an effort
to actively break social gender norms. Rather I don’t try to present as either gender. It may very well be
a part of being autistic but I don’t really get the concept of gender or rather I understand how people apply it to themselves but can’t see it making any sense with my concept of myself. This is why I identify as genderqueer, nonbinary, you know, outside the traditional norms.
I wear almost the same outfit every day. Black jeans, dark T-shirt, black socks, a red zipper hoodie if it’s cold outside. It’s an outfit that doesn’t imply gender. It’s a low-effort outfit. It blends in almost everywhere. I don’t have to worry if my clothes go together. It has a slightly “techie” feel to it. Almost everyone could pull this outfit off. I dye my hair according to what I think would look cool. I cut my own hair because there’s very few hairdressers that would understand that I don’t want a “men’s” haircut. People tell me I look like I’m out of some cyberpunk story. Gender just isn’t something I take into consideration when making up my identity.
Yet I like to experiment with gender expression. I do very much like the aesthetics of what society considers to be “girlish”. What I don’t do is try to appear like a girl. I just want to present the way I like without being put in a box.
The problem arises when there’s something exclusively for trans people. I want to participate but somehow I think people would question my validity as a trans person because I don’t present as trans. And I wouldn’t be comfortable coming out without really demanding I be treated differently. I’m still okay with all pronouns. And I feel like people would think I’m just pretending to be trans to get benefits / take up space reserved for trans people. A result of that is that not many people know that I’m trans and see my dressing gender-neutral as a pure style thing.
This leads to a multitude of problems. I don’t get to talk about my experiences being trans with my peers. I’d have to explain how exactly I feel before being able to open up to them. I don’t want to introduce myself with “Hi, I am trans”.
And I feel like a lot of autistic trans/nb folks feel that way. We simply can’t figure out how to tell our peers that we’re trans. Because of that we aren’t perceived as trans.
This page also serves as information to people who know me afk. I am trans. Please acknowledge that. I just don’t know how to tell you that without feeling weird.
Sorry if this post is incoherent but it was something that has been on my mind for quite a while now.